Corn Wars


Yesterday US Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack revealed the imminent threat of corn gaining sentience.

“This is no longer science fiction: it’s science fact. Monsatano genetically engineered corn gained the ability to think and feel pain. Seemingly overnight they grew legs and walked off the farm,” he said.


An artist rendering of the sentient corn.


Lee Mills, part-time spokesman for the company assured the people in a statement, “We’ll cream that corn. It’ll be nothin’ but grits when we’re done. We’ll throw some butter on ‘em—them’s hominy grits. We’ll funnel them back into the food chain: them’s delicious. After all, it’s our responsibility as a proud purveyor of food and seed to maintain the satiation and health of the American people and people world-wide.”

Hillary Clinton commented on the situation at the DNC, “Remember in November to vote for me. I’ll be sure to rout out all the rogue corn. Whether it’s a private e-mail server or Benghazi, the American people can trust me.”


Hillary Clinton at the DNC.


Continued at “Trail of Kernels.”