Trump Pardons Turkeys For Fraud

Trump with Drumstick


The Tuesday before this year’s Thanksgiving, President Trump pardoned a pair of turkeys, Drumstick and Wishbone.

The two birds had tried to garner majority shares in Kraft, Heinz, McCormick, and several other food companies. They allegedly funded the venture through illegally tapping a hedge fund they established for cash.

The turkeys had been depositing the money in Caribbean banks as a tax shelter until they had enough to take over the companies. Sources say they’ve been bilking money from investors over several years.

It was Drumstick and Wishbone’s hope to force the companies into bankruptcy, thereby eliminating prepared gravy from grocers’ shelves. They apparently thought that the American public would refuse to eat dry turkey, thusly finally saving themselves and their poultry kind from mass consumption on Thanksgiving.

Last month in a panic, Wishbone came forward to the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission. Thinking the food company takeovers would be blocked by anti-trust legislation, he sought sanctuary from the hungry mouths of Americans in the prison.

Trump had heard through the grapevine that Drumstick was lobbying vegetarian NJ senator Cory Booker in a mad rush to save the turkeys’ original plan. In pity, Trump sought out the turkeys and consequently pardoned them for both their financial crimes and their deliciousness.